December 1st, 2017

Today I spent an excessive amount of time at work. This one project I'm working on has an upcoming deadline that's looming and there's a lot that I want to do to improve things generally in that time as well as implement an entire new couple of APIs. While I was at work, Fef suddenly sent me a message saying she was in the emergency room. During the past few days she'd been thinking that maybe she has Marfan Syndrome and she mentioned this while she was at physical therapy for carpal tunnel today. It turns out that one of the symptoms of Marfan is exactly like carpal tunnel, so she went to the emergency room to make sure that nothing else Marfan-y was happening (she was okay save for a heart murmur) and got recommended a heart doctor since they heard.

This past week I only got through one more chapter of the C++ book. I'm starting to have doubts about how good it is. I would talk about what I was learning with Fef, and she would tell me things like how inheriting private or protected are pretty rare. The book would not stop talking about those things. I've also noticed a couple of errors in what the book says.

Random cool tid-bit I learned was that vim has autocompletion built into it, mapped to Ctrl+N in insert mode.

This past week I also have firmly cemented the idea that I want to transition with HRT and make my body more feminine. It's okay that thinking about that sometimes turns me on. Some trans people I follow on Twitter have said that that happened to them too. I finally brought it up with Fef that I actually do want breasts. I had mentioned to her previously that I wouldn't mind having them because they wouldn't conflict with my mental body image, but that was because I was too scared to flat-out say that I wanted breasts. I definitely do and I'm so looking forward to getting a new job, moving away from here, and transitioning. I've also had some issue with thinking of myself as "trans" and not just "non-binary", but I've definitely turned around on that one. I'm trans.

While I was talking with Fef two days ago about my thoughts of being trans and wanting breasts, Lyca wound up showing up and we cybered for the first time in several months. I was starting to think that Lyca didn't want to anymore, since the last time we did anything sexual together, it hurt Fef. But they told me that it was just because Fef has been really busy lately and they didn't want to take time away from her. I was also worried that them trying to masturbate would just hurt their wrists, but apparently Lyca wound up fronting last week and was able to do it just fine, and Fef hasn't said anything about her wrists hurting more since we cybered, so I guess it was okay. For some reason, I felt kind of guilty after we did it. Probably because Fef was going to do homework during that time and then Lyca and I took it all away.