March 16th, 2017

Last night, I found myself aroused in bed by a picture I saw on my phone. There wasn't anything particularly special about it. It was just a solo male anthro fox sitting down in a basic pinup pose, but I found it greatly arousing, which has been a problem for me for the past many months. I've often found myself going days without feeling the slightest need to masturbate, a complete turnaround from only a year ago.

This was further notable to me because it was a male character that I wound up fantasizing about for a half hour before falling asleep. I know logically that I go through phases of liking one sex over the other, but when I'm in one phase it always feels like the other isn't even an option. And I'd been in the female phase for a while. I've also had such a lack of confidence when it comes to me liking men, since that time with GV (I'm going to purposely leave his name out because that's what I think he'd want me to do just in case) when I got scared and psyched myself out. It's not like we were going to do anything anyway, but I still got too nervous and lost my erection, which has caused me nothing but doubt for months.

So I'm glad for two reasons: That I got aroused at all, and that I got really aroused effortlessly by a male image.


Work was better than usual. I got to work with Maki for several hours on one of his special projects. Partner programming is so much more fun. Working out the problem by yourself just feels painful. By the time I left, we were maybe 80% of the way to completion. Feels good to make that kind of progress, working with a guy I really respect (and am importantly not afraid of).

I still suspect that I'm purposely being given these special projects to work on because the PMs think that I'm incapable of working on the Sitefinity sites. I don't know if I'll ever ask Maki that because if I'm wrong and he's legitimately looking to me, it tells him that I don't consider his projects real work, which is certainly not the case. I don't know. It's a tricky situation.


I haven't done much since I got home other than play Overwatch, masturbate to the fox again, and watch Stardust Crusaders. I did finally add this site as a network drive on my computer, though, so I got to write this in Emacs! I was hoping to add a network drive for my game's site, but it doesn't seem like Windows is capable of doing that. Of course. That would make life too convenient. I don't think it would be a problem on my Arch computer, but I was already using this one, so that's what I did it on.

I am kind of worried that all this is going to be offputting/triggering to Fef if she reads it, but I'm not going to censor my own thoughts. I want to look back on these journal entries and get a good understanding of what life used to be like for me because my memory is bad and I'm certain to forget. I'll still let her know the next time we're in a voice call of the sexual nature of this entry, just in case.