March 26th & 27th, 2017

The reason I am writing this on the second day is because yesterday was simply terrible. I got less sleep than I should have, then spent all day just feeling bad about myself. Coincidentally, Fef was also feeling bad and we just talked to each other for hours about how bad we were feeling. At one point I had to lie down because I just couldn't stand the effort of sitting at my desk anymore. And of course after lying down I just started feeling like the day was taking too long and I just wanted it to end. I can't recall ever feeling that before. Something has definitely changed in me mentally, and I'm pretty sure for the worse. Though maybe this will help me be ever more understanding of other people in this same situation someday.

At some point I go around to expressing to Fef some feelings I'd been having lately. It seems like every time I can't contact her for more than a few hours I start to worry that she's going to never talk to me again, because of the fact that we cybered and it really seemed to hurt her (of course, just being horny hurt her, so I know this isn't a completely logical feeling). The idea of being left all alone in what is now my life is so frightening to me. I need a friend that I'm extremely close to right now or I'm going to go out of my mind with loneliness.

I also said at one point that I wish that we had never broken up, then had to express that this doesn't mean that I want to get back together now. Breaking up created so many problems, the fact that I can't trust her to not just cut me out of her life chief among them. We both clearly have feelings for each other, but I don't think I could mentally stand to attach us with the label of boyfriend/girlfriend again. It would just be easier if we hadn't broken up and we had just talked about what she was feeling at the time, which she's said she wishes she had done.

Throughout the entire day, I kept finding myself in waves of feeling, with the peak being states of unpleasant extreme horniness and the trough being waves of extreme sadness. During the horny parts, I think that the pain might have been because of the desire I feel for her. I've said it before, but I think she's extremely beautiful and I can't help but get excited when I think of running my hands down her and grabbing parts of her. Even writing this, I'm becoming aroused, and I've felt not near anything like this all day. There's something about her that's just worked its way into my head and has turned her into Helen of Troy. Of course, even if we never do anything sexual again, I think I'll still be happy that I got to experience my first foray into sex with her. I don't think there's much of a need to put this in its own section at the bottom of this post in case she reads this because she knows all this anyway.

In an effort to drive out the bad thoughts yesterday and just make time move, I wound up watching a LOT of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. I went from being only 6 episodes into Part 4 to being over 20 episodes in and talking about it a lot with Joey. I'm really enjoying the show quite a lot. At one point Joey said that it's got a real "small-town" vibe, since minor characters from previous episodes keep showing up again, and since they're fully fleshed out, they feel real. It makes the whole situation feel more real, and it winds up being extremely endearing. I am really loving this season, which I'm sure would greatly suprise me from a week ago. I just didn't think it would get any better than the awesome road trip that was JoJo's Part 3. Hopefully watching it while feeling so bad won't lead me to thinking of it with negative emotion down the line.

Also, in all my pain yesterday, I wound up overeating by a lot. ~900 calories. That's insane for me. I didn't think I was the kind of person that would turn to food for relief. Though, I guess I've had a bad relationship with food for over a decade now, so I guess that makes sense to some extent. I also know that it's okay to have a cheat day every now and then. It doesn't have to be the end of the world and throw me off my diet forever. It's just hard to not feel like shit for it, and feel like it's going to be slippery slope. I just need to trust that I'll continue doing what I've been doing for the past 200+ days.

I was quite surprised to find myself not having to wearily trudge through my workday today, after all the pain and exhaustion of yesterday. It seemed for sure that today would be awful too, since all those bad feelings were so strong. I'm glad that didn't wind up being the case, and I think it made it easier when she wasn't online around lunch time. If I had been feeling like yesterday today, that would probably have torn me up with worry. It probably also helps that she literally said to me yesterday, "i'm not gonna just stop talking to you."

Even though I didn't exactly feel like it, I managed to use the treadmill again for a half hour today. I still have to go at a really slow pace, but I know I'll improve if I keep at it. I also keep thinking about something Fef said one of the times that we were cybering. She said that she was thinking about how good I'll look now that I've lost weight. That's been a good motivation to keep doing this. I mean, it was also good motivation to start doing this in the first place. In my mind, I had just put it off until I eventually get to California. I've now got someone who will notice and care that I look better. I know I should have been more self-motivated in the first place, but I'm glad I had her there to motivate me for this. A tiny part of me also hopes that she'll look at me and suddenly find me arousing and then we'll fuck passionately for hours. I know that's just a stupid fantasy and I can't expect that to happen, especially since her feeling arousal doesn't seem controllable in any way, which is a huge frustration to her. It's a purely selfish fantasy, but as long as it's just a fantasy and I don't try to pressure her into making it a reality, what's the harm in that?

I also suggested to Fef that we try to do something more fun today, since basically the past week has been us barely talking, and then only talking about bad things and with a weird feeling between everything we say. So I think it would be nice to just try and share some time together again, even if by "together" I mean "in an online voice call." Doing things together is extremely important to me. I know it isn't for everyone, but it really helps me feel like my time spent getting to know someone is meaningful (even if I already know that person very well). She just said the "maybe" that I've basically come to expect from these last few days. There's been no real excitement from her end of things to do anything at all with me, and that makes me really nervous, for previously stated reasons.

Okay found a good part to mark with the header.

Sexual Thoughts

Holy fuck I want to fuck her and cuddle so bad.