November 24th, 2017

I did a lot in Ultra Moon today. Beat a bunch of trials, just generally progressed the story, bought a lot of clothing for my avatar, and finally got around to moving most of my pokemon out of regular Moon into this game. And the more time I spent customizing my character, the more I found myself desiring to BE my character. I'm quite prone to bouts of wishing I had a feminine body. It's a decent (but not the biggest) part of why I love Too Much To Dream so much. It's why I started to read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. It's why I've been switching all my avatars to the feminine option when available. Does this mean that I want to be a girl? I don't think so. When I think about what it means to be a girl and if I want to be that, I get the same kind of pushback in my brain that I get when I think about what it means to be a man and if I want to be that. It just means that I want a feminine body.

I'm planning to start taking antiandrogens basically as soon as I get a job in another place and move away from my family. I'll find a gender therapist and get them to prescribe it to me, and I'll get to make that change in a new place, at a new job, and hopefully with the most important, supportive person in my life. There's a pretty strong chance that I'll want to start taking estrogen as well, assuming that I don't absolutely hate myself on antiandrogens. I'm pretty darn sure that I want breasts, but I'm not sure if the reasons why are good enough for me to go for E. I'm pretty sure that I'd feel really good about my body, but I'm not sure if the reason is that it better reflects myself, or if it's just because I really like breasts (even with my seeming inability to be aroused by anyone that isn't Lyca, I can get directly aroused every now and then by breasts) and I can tell that it's a sexual thing. But then I realize that actual trans girls that are attracted to breasts must have had similar thoughts, and that enjoying something sexually doesn't automatically exclude me from wanting to have that thing for non-sexual reasons too.

And I have such a hard time expressing these thoughts to Fef, the person that I should know would be most supportive of them. Partially it's the conflation with my sexual interests, which I really don't want to make Fef uncomfortable by talking about. Partially it's the doubt that keeps going through my head (even though I basically spent all of today wishing I was my femme character). And it's partially that I think it might look like I'm just confused and going down this track because it makes me more relatable to Fef specifically. It should be a pretty big relief that my desire to be femme was so clearly visible to me and strong today, but I don't know if it's just a kink or something. I basically spent all of today being really horny. So horny that the first thing I did when I woke up was try to sate the hormones, but it didn't work and I felt it just as strongly for the next 10 hours. But then again, probably all of my feelings get amplified when I'm in that kind of state. Normally, I can't really feel my emotions, but I know they're there. When I am really horny, I can definitely noticably feel my emotions. Basically, I'll just have to try transitioning and see if it works for me.