November 21st, 2017

A million things have happened since my last entry. I've bought some arcade arcade machines, bought a 3d-printer, gotten out of Overwatch, gotten back into Pokemon, gotten less into cubing, got a Surface, switched to vim from emacs, switched from Android to iOS, realized I'm genderless, found out that it wasn't Feffernoose of the Fef system that was attracted to me, but a different system member now named Lyca, started learning c++, switched to Firefox from Chrome, and Fef as of yesterday has carpal tunnel. I've also visited Fef basically every month since my last entry, and gotten to meet the Julia system in-person. I'm not sure when I became friends with Julia and it might have been in-between entries. The more stuff built-up between entries, the more I just put everything off. Also, maybe the neocities way of doing things is just a little bit more tedious than I would like. I can't just edit these in a single browser window. I always have at least two open.

Realizing I'm genderless was quite a big deal, but now it's just a part of who I am. I think about gender a lot more than I used to, but I'm definitely happier this way. Being a man was constantly on my mind and it scared me and made me feel bad. Being neither gender just lets me be me, and it's nice. I've gotten more friendly with people from Allies and it makes me wish so badly that I had realized this about myself sooner and gotten to participate in more queer things while I was actually in college.

Fef having carpal tunnel is seriously worrying to me. I'm so scared that it's going to ruin her life. Everything she loves doing involves her wrists, from Pokemon to programming to crochet. I'm worried that she's going to get really depressed and just be miserable until it gets manageable. And I'm sad that it's now something that will be on her mind forever, that she can never relax and just have fun doing things for long periods of time. And while she was crying yesterday talking about it, she said that she was just getting more and more disabilities as time goes on, and that worries me too, since this is supposed to be the time in our lives when we're in the best health. It makes me worry that the person I'm closest to in the world could just slowly fall apart and not make it to the Singularity. If I lose Fef permanently, I will completely fall apart again and it will break me even more than the break-up did. I've never gotten along so well with another person in all my life, and I doubt I ever will again. I care for her so much and I just want her and us to be happy.

I'm looking for a
Home, where the wheels are turning
Home, why I keep returning
Home, where my world is breaking in two
Home, with the neighbors fighting
Home, always so exciting
Home, were my parents telling the truth?
Home, such a funny feeling
Home, no-one ever speaking
Home, with our bodies touching
Home, and the cameras watching
Home, will infect what ever you do
We're Home – comes to life from outta the blue